Growing Up ‘Different’: Why it Shapes Who We Become and How I Learned to Reclaim My Voice
From dyslexia to leadership: A journey through hiding, healing, and finding my voice.
Written by Ellin Gurvitch · Edited by Erica Korn
Personal Story: When ‘Different’ Became Something to Hide
From ages 12 to 18, I can still remember it clearly.
Those school years, from middle to high school, shaped me in ways I didn’t fully understand until adulthood.
I didn’t have the language back then—but I knew I felt behind.
I knew I felt outside the room—literally and figuratively—even when I was sitting right in it.
And those early moments?
They shaped how I saw myself. How I protected myself.
I used to turn bright red when the teacher called on me.
Not just a little blush—full face flush. You’ve just seen my red hair, you know… it was even brighter than that.
Then would come the heart racing. The hand sweating.
And the words on the page? They’d slide right off the ends of the book. That’s what dyslexia does. It scrambles the message just enough to make you feel as if you’re stupid in front of your whole class.
Reading aloud felt like standing on stage, forgetting all your lines, and no way out.
I was convinced—absolutely convinced—that everyone could see me panicking, crumbling, completely falling apart.
A few times a week, I’d have to go from homeroom to a small room nestled inside the school library — and it was just me in there, with the teacher, and maybe one or two other kids
You could see right through the door.
And everyone looking knew, that was the “different” class.
That word different—haunted me.
At that age, different didn’t mean cool in a unique way. Different meant left out.
Different meant less than.
Kids ignored me during recess.
I wasn’t included in plans.
I didn’t have friends to sit next to in class, didn’t have that quintessential experience of a “lunch table” group, didn’t build the kind of friendships everyone else seemed to.
And even when I was in the room—I never really felt like I was there.
I remember walking to my car in high school and hearing a group of guys yell,
“Gingy’s walking!”
They laughed. I laughed too—while my face turned beet red.
But inside? I wanted to disappear. I wanted to be invisible.
I felt so judged. So seen—but not in a way that felt safe.
Like I couldn’t fully show who I was.
And I couldn’t change my hair, just like I couldn’t fix my dyslexia.
I assumed I was too much. Too awkward. Too different.
I hated that word—because for so long, it made me feel like I didn’t belong.
But over time, through different chapters of my life, I started to unlearn that story—and write a new one.
In college, I served on student government as president of my college for a year, and I was on my sorority’s executive board twice. After graduating and moving to New York City, I stepped into leadership roles in my local religious community. I started my own business. I began public speaking. I showed up to events alone. I introduced myself, made connections, and built friendships and community from scratch.
Little by little, I stopped waiting to be chosen—and chose myself instead. And through it all, I began to find my voice.
I started to realize: I have a voice. I’m not “too much” or “not enough.”
I’m not broken.
I’m me! And that’s allowed.
But most importantly, I had the opportunity to change the narrative I had carried for so long. I had a choice: to keep shrinking or to start showing up.
And that’s why I’m telling you all of this.
Because those early moments—hundreds of them—taught me how to survive by shrinking. How to be careful with my words. How to stay small so I wouldn’t be singled out. How to perform just enough to be accepted, but not so much that I’d be noticed.
And I carried that into adulthood without even realizing it.
The Truth Behind Holding Back: Why We Shrink, and How to Start Showing Up for Yourself
Now you might be thinking, I’m older this doesn’t apply to me. Or maybe, I don’t have dyslexia, I can’t relate.
This isn’t just about middle school embarrassment. Or dyslexia. This is about how fear—of judgment, rejection, or not being enough—gets wired in early… and then quietly shapes how we show up in the world as we continue to grow and get older.
It doesn’t just stay in the past. It follows us. But, it's not something to be fearful of, it’s valuable information about how our past dictates how we act and see our current world as adults.
It shows up when:
You want to speak up at work, but your self-doubt is louder than your ideas.
You don’t go for the person you actually like—because what if they don’t feel the same?
You say, “Work is too busy to work on myself,” but the truth is—it’s fear showing up as timing.
You keep things surface-level in your relationship instead of saying how you really feel.
You hold back.
You stay safe.
You convince yourself it’s for your protection.
But in reality?
You’re unfulfilled. Anxious. Disconnected.
Because you’re avoiding and not honoring the part of you that actually wants more.
And the world misses out on getting to see who you really are.
That’s what saddens me most. Because I see this every day.
With clients. With colleagues. With people who look successful—but feel stuck.
I see it in:
People who are thriving on paper—but secretly exhausted from proving and waiting.
People who have so much to give, but don’t trust it’ll be well received.
Women who silence themselves at work.
Men who keep women at arm’s length—afraid to be vulnerable and seen.
People who stay in jobs that are toxic or just comfortable enough—because leaving would mean betting on themselves.
People who are one decision away from a real connection—but avoid it to stay in control.
And here’s the truth no one talks about: Control is the thief of joy.
It doesn’t mean that you don’t care.
In fact, it’s because you care so much about getting it right—about being enough, about not messing it up— that you stay stuck in the same loop.
But that loop doesn't have to be permanent.
Acknowledge that it comes from somewhere.
And when you start to understand it… when you form a relationship with the part of you that’s scared instead of letting it run the show…that’s when things begin to shift.
Because this isn’t about being fearless.
It’s about being honest. And kind.
Real growth starts when you can name what’s not working—without making yourself feel wrong for it.
Being kind doesn’t mean sugarcoating the truth. It means holding space for both your effort and your edges.
And recognizing change doesn’t happen through pressure. It happens through compassion and accountability.
That’s what mental fitness is.
It’s the ability to tolerate risk, discomfort, and vulnerability—and bounce back even stronger when you do.
Because life isn’t waiting for you to feel ready.
It’s happening right now.
And if I could go back, I’d tell younger Ellin: “You don’t need to be invisible to be more accepted.”
The people who matter will meet you in your fullness and love you for who you are—but only if you stop shrinking to make everyone else comfortable.
Why You’re Not Broken—Just Untrained
Here’s what I see all the time with my 1:1 clients, corporate clients, in my community of friends, family…
People aren’t struggling because they’re broken. They’re struggling because no one ever taught them how to work through fear.
No one showed them how to sit with discomfort instead of running from it.
Or how to name what they want—without judging themselves for it.
So instead, they avoid.
They shut down.
They overthink, overperform, overfunction— just to feel safe.
But that safety? It’s temporary. And it only feeds the cycle.
They stay stuck in patterns that feel protective, but deep down, they’re exhausted.
They want more—but they don’t trust themselves to go after it.
That’s where mental fitness comes in.
Mental fitness isn’t about being fearless or positive all the time.
It’s about building the kind of strength that helps you lead with clarity, make confident decisions, navigate stress without burning out, and stay grounded in your relationships—whether you’re running a business, raising a family, or building your future.
It’s what helps you:
Seek a challenge and choose growth
Respond instead of react
Take a risk without spiraling
Be kind to yourself, but honest
Build a relationship with your emotions—instead of avoiding them
Keep showing up, even on the hard days
Mental fitness means training your mindset the way you train your body. Just like your biceps— your thoughts, reactions, and emotions need reps.
It’s about strengthening the inner muscles that hold you up when life gets heavy.
Your hour in session becomes an extension of who you are—just like your time in the gym.
Those reps are transferable. They follow you into meetings, hard conversations, long days, and quiet doubts.
This kind of strength is what helps you stop avoiding and start leading yourself, your relationships, and your goals.
It’s the quiet, unglamorous work you do internally, so you can show up more fully, externally.
And just like any muscle— it’s something you can build.
Your Action Plan: How I Help High-Achievers Break the Avoidance Loop and Start Showing Up Fully
It’s the moment right before you speak up, but don’t. When you catch yourself shrinking in a room, nodding along instead of sharing your perspective. The part of you that keeps waiting for the perfect moment to be brave.
These are the moments I work through with my 1:1 clients and corporate teams every day— not by pushing harder, but by practicing emotional strength, awareness, and showing up more fully.
Change doesn’t usually start with a breakthrough. It starts with a quiet moment of honesty—when you finally admit what’s not working, and choose to do something different.
Here’s how to start building those internal reps into your everyday life:
1. When You’re Shrinking
Notice where you’re hiding.
Start paying attention to the moments you’re holding back, overperforming, or making yourself smaller to stay safe.
Example:
You’re on a Zoom call, and you have something to add—but talk yourself out of saying it.
You’re at a dinner table with friends, everyone’s talking politics, and you want to share a different perspective—but you stay silent because you don’t want to be judged or spark tension.
Ask yourself, What am I afraid might happen if I actually lean in?
Am I afraid of what people will think—or what I’ll think of myself?
Am I protecting myself… or keeping myself stuck?
What would my future self want me to do?
If I were hyping up a friend, what would I say to them?
👉Mantra: “If I want to grow, I can’t keep hiding.”
2. When You’re Spinning
Interrupt the loop.
When your brain goes into the mode of: “don’t say it, don’t send it, don’t do it” — pause.
Breathe. Get honest with yourself.
Example: You’re writing a text to reconnect with someone, then delete it before sending.
Again, ask yourself:
Is this fear, or is this rooted in fact?
What am I really protecting myself from?
If most people are actually focused on themselves, why am I judging myself so hard?
How is this behavior shaping my future?
Then take one small step in that honest direction.
Awareness is the first “rep” toward any kind of real change.
👉Mantra: “Be kind to yourself, but be honest.”
3. When You’re Disconnected
Get back into your body.
Fear isn’t just mental—it’s physical.
It hijacks your nervous system before you even realize it.
Example: You’re sitting at your desk, overthinking a reply, your neck starts to feel tight, and you haven’t moved in an hour.
Try this:
Go for a walk without your phone
Shake out your hands and feet
Put your hands in cold water
Do a breath reset (inhale 4, hold 7, exhale 8)
You can’t think clearly when your body is in defense mode. Regulation is the first rep.
👉Mantra: “My body is not the enemy—it’s the signal.”
4. When You Want to Ghost Your Growth
Follow through quietly.
You don’t need a big moment. Sometimes courage looks ordinary.
Example: Texting the friend. Going for the girl. Speaking up in a meeting—even if your voice shakes.
Or just saying, “I need a minute,” in the middle of a hard conversation.
Confidence isn’t always loud. Sometimes it’s just quiet follow-through.
👉 Mantra: “It doesn’t need to be perfect. It just needs to be real.”
Final Thought + What I Wish I Knew Sooner
Mental fitness means training your mindset the same way you train your body.
It’s about building strength in all aspects of your life—your thoughts, your emotions, your reactions.
Just like you’d train your biceps, your mindset needs reps.
Because this kind of strength is what helps you: lead with clarity, make confident decisions, navigate stress without burning out, and stay grounded in your relationships—whether you’re running a business, raising a family, or building your future.
It takes strength to speak up when your voice shakes. To share how you feel when you don’t know how it’ll land.
To go first—without knowing if the other person will meet you there.
But these are all reps that help you build self-trust.
They teach your nervous system: I can show up for myself. I can handle discomfort. I don’t need to keep hiding.
You’re building a new reputation with yourself.
That’s how you grow. That’s how you shift your story. That’s how you build real self-love and confidence.
I didn’t learn this in a textbook.
I learned it from years of holding back—too scared to raise my hand, to speak up, and to be seen.
From trying to prove I was enough by overachieving, overperforming, and overfunctioning.
It took time to realize: the proving never stops… until you do.
And when I finally stopped?
When I started doing the reps—quietly, imperfectly—everything changed.
So here’s your next step: Pick one area where you’ve been holding back.
The text you haven’t sent.
The conversation you’ve been avoiding.
The thing you keep saying you’ll do “when the timing’s right.”
And take one small action—today.
Not when you feel ready. Not when it’s perfect.
Today!
Because you’re here. Reading this. And that means something.
You don’t need to earn it. You don’t need to wait.
You’re allowed to want more—and to go get it.
Start now.
Let’s Keep Building: What’s Next For You
Thank you for being here. Really. Every time you open one of these emails, it means something—and I don’t take that for granted.
If something in here resonated with you, I’d love to hear it. Just hit reply and let me know what landed—or forward it to someone who might need it too.
If you’re new here, welcome! I’m Ellin—a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Certified Nutrition + Performance Coach. I help high achievers, athletes, and professionals build resilience, confidence, and clarity through mindset shifts and mental fitness. Along with, corporate teams - both virtually and in person - to lead conversations on mental fitness in the workplace around: sustainable success, stress managements, and cultivating growth and leadership habits.
This is the kind of mindset work and intentional living I care deeply about—and it’s been an honor to support so many on this path. Over 3,000 individuals and corporate teams in this community have built mental resilience, lowered stress, created sustainable habits, and learned how to lead from strength—not survival. I’d be honored to support and work with you, too.
To stay connected, follow me on Instagram @mentallyfitwithellin or explore my offerings at mentallyfitwithellin.com. A few spots are open for 1:1 therapy and coaching—just reply to this email to book a free 15-minute consult.
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Let’s keep growing– together!
So proud of you ellin! 👏🏻❤️